The quiet

[Antonioooo!]

Sleep...quiet...so powerful. I have always had the most profound experiences when waking up in the middle of the night and feeling so peaceful. The silence, and darkness of the world surrounding me. No immediate worries of roles, jobs, money, expectations....etc.

It's like realizations and understanding just comes into such perfect view. I don't necessarily mean that every answer I'm looking for comes rushing at me in some miraculous instant. But definitely, things seem to make more sense.

I'm not talking about meditation. Which is great as well. I think it's just that I tend to hold a lot of anxiety and have a lot of "monkey mind" throughout my waking hours. So when I get a decent night's sleep, and wake up waaaaay before I even need to (like in the wee hours of the morning), and I come out of that natural state of slumber without an alarm going off in my ear...I have found it is just awe-inspiringly fantastic! I wish it happened more often. Sitting down to meditate gives me a different sense of peace. What I'm talking about with the sleep thing is just eternal, and amazing. I feel so connected to God and end up having some of the best internal dialogues and prayers and relaizations. I know...sounds so new age crappish doesn't it! HAHAHA!

This morning, I feel so much more clear about my life...I woke up at peace at like 2:50 am. I had a realization of my "self" at that moment and it wasn't harsh or even made me feel bad...it just..."was". I realized, I definitely got some baggage. Not heavy baggage, just alot of stuff I gotta let go of: anxiety, fear, self-image issues, stagnation...etc. I'm gonna be 40 in January and I'm just treading water. I'm telling people I have goals...but in reality I don't. I'm just going through the motions. I think I'm waiting for "something"...somebody or something to spark an excitement in me or set me on my course for life. But that's soooooo unhealthy. I need to be the captain of my on ship. Somewhere along the way, I have had experiences that have shaped me. Okay....deal with it. I have made some decisions that have not set me on a more lucrative path financially and socially, etc. Okay...deal with it. But if I've learned nothing else from the whole concept of The Law of Attraction and reading countless other self-help books...nothing's gonna change unless I put into motion. If I continue to run on the same treadmill of actions and thought patterns I always have...I ain't gonna get anywhere. Noone is saying it's easy. But I have the ability to make changes every day...every second. And that's what I gotta do.

I wish I could take the feeling I'm having right now and take it with me. But, as time grows closer to when I need to start getting ready for my work day, I feel the rush and hustle bustle of the day rolling in. I feel the drama of the workplace looming. I feel the chaotic "monkey mind" ready to take over. How do I take this peace with me? How do I have this clarity all the time? That's something I want to work on. Maybe we're not supposed to be "at peace" like this all the time? Maybe we're supposed to reserve that for rare occastions? I don't know. But the peace and relaizations I had this morning are so profound and so amazing I wouldn't change it for a million bucks...uh, that is, unless you had a million bucks ya wanted to give me...than I'd seriously reconsider. ;-)