Sharing a couple reflections I've had AND I need some relationship advice (in the middle)(sorry it's so long)

[Rachel]

Hi again,

WELL, I really do suck at this whole blogging/thinking about this everyday. Well, that's not true, most days this does come into my mind, and most of those days, it's a positive thought and I'm not beating up on myself about neglecting my blog, this group, all of you guys, but mostly myself.

I think today is day 39??? That's crazy!! It feels like I just started and it's already more than a third over. Well, that's not true, only this season is a third over, there's countless seasons to come. I have been thinking about it a lot, and even though I have let my practices slip and slide out of mind, I have been doing some of them sometimes, which is a lot better than before, when I did none of them all the time.

I'm more than halfway done with my book, "Eat Pray Love" which has taken me so much longer than it normally would for a couple reasons. The first is school work and my bad procrastination habits. Ugh. That's something I'm trying to crack down on. At least now I'm telling myself I'm going to do stuff and not doing it, before I used to just not even care. Now at least I'm feeling bad about not doing it. I know, I know, still not good, but it's better. Soon, I'll do it and be happy doing it. Even crappy homework that I don't agree with.

The second reason my book is taking so long is a good one. I am so so soooo inspired by it. Every time I read it, I feel like there is something on every page that I have to copy into my notebook or reflect on in my notebook.

Ooooh, I'm going to share one of my more recent ones. So, in case you haven't read the book, I'll give a brief glimpse at it and try not to give anything away. It's a memoir of a year of the author's life, in which she traveled to Italy and India and I don't remember, cause I haven't gotten that far in the book. And it's all about her spiritual journey and growing and learning to love herself. So this book came into my life at a perfect time, because that's what I'm doing. Not to mention that the author is just like me. (So if you've read the book and want to know me pretty well, I'm basically a mini Elizabeth Gilbert)

Anyways, each chapter is only a few pages long and shares a mini-story or lesson or something like that. And the one that inspired my reflection was about prayer and God (just what I call Him/Her/It/Whatever) and intentions. Which is something I've been really confused about ever since before I started my challenge and I didn't really get it.

So then, I read this chapter, and she says something like "God already knows what I need, but do I?" and then, the direct quote that really inspired me was... "If I want transformation, but can't be bothered to articulate what it is I want, exactly, how can it ever occur?" So my reflection was......

' God knows what I need, but until I figure out what I need, how can I expect to grow or gain from having what I need. Example; Let's say I am hungry. If I don't know I'm hungry or if I don't know how to eat, if someone gives me a banana, it's not going to do me much good.

' Looking at it from a different perspective, if I know I am hungry, I know I need some food to survive, if I don't ask for food or actively pursue food, I won't get any and I will probably starve.

' Another thought. If someone hands me a banana, because I've asked for food or whatever reason, (out of the kindness of their hearts or whatever) and I've never seen a banana before and don't know how to eat it or even what it is or that it is food, obviously, I will need help interpreting and understanding, at which point, I will need to ask for that help, or really, all I have is a strange, unfamiliar thing in my hand that is almost as much use to me as if no one had given it to me in the first place, which is to say, not much.

' So, put some serious, active thought into what I need. Figure out what feels off or missing. Then, start vague. Maybe you don't know that you're hungry, but you know your stomach hurts and that you are feeling sluggish. Seek answers and understanding to the vague questions first, then you can find details. A detail without the understanding of that big vague question is about as useful as that strange yellow fruit in your hand.'

So then the next day, I shared this with my parents, and we had Chinese food for dinner. I have a habit of picking what fortune cookie feels the best or right, and usually, i get some pretty interesting results. So I claim this one that is all smashed up and broken, and then my mom said it was my step-dad's because it leaped out of the bag at him. So I said fine, but I reserved the right to claim it if it fit me better. It ended up being " He who is afraid of asking is ashamed of learning." My step-dad gave it to me, without even reading it out loud, cause he knew I had been right. So we traded. His ended up being something about earning money when you do the right thing, which suited him, because he had just been to a finance course that morning.

Okay, one more revelation to share. That night, I woke up in the middle of the night, due to my messed up sleep cycle...ugh, again...and I had that first revelation and then I had another about Cory and I and all the little stupid fights we've been having. I'll just copy that over from my journal too. I wrote it to him, so sorry if the grammar sounds a little funny.

' All of our insecurities and silly little issues with each other are because we aren't accepting who each other is. We are both so focused on trying to fit the other into the mold of who we think they are, that all these little things are the bits of dough that squish out the sides. For example, we each have an idea of how we want the other to show compassion and love and we're so busy critiquing the things we do and what we think the other should do and we're so focused on how those aren't exactly what we thought the other person was like, that we don't notice what the other IS doing to show love and desire. It's like how we think we know each other so well, that any deviation from those thoughts makes us go "Wait, that's not who you are, see it says so right here. How dare you go and be something other than how I've defined you in my head!!" I think maybe we need to get to know each other again and be more accepting to changes. I think we've both changed so much and our definitions are out of date. '

So the next night, or maybe the night after that, when we got to talk about that one, it was the best conversation we have had in so so long. We were both sharing our thoughts and being open and I was glowing and so so happy. A lot of time, when we talk, it feels like he's just talking at me about the things he is interested in. And I've gotten into the habit of one word answers and not talking much at all. And sometimes it's good and okay that it's like that, because sometimes, I do just like to be quiet and listen to him talk about the things he loves (Ahem, video games and disc golf) but a lot of times, I feel like I could walk away from the phone and come back five minutes later and he wouldn't have noticed. So it was so nice to have a conversation. To be able to share our views without getting emotional and without getting frustrated and without arguing about it. It's like there's talking and there's communicating and most of the time, it seems we just talk. But for the first year or two of our relationship, it was all about getting to know each other and all we did was communicate.

So, my question to those out there who have been in relationships for a long time, what do you do to keep from drifting apart and what do you talk about? What sort of conversations do you have and how do you keep from fighting over issues you disagree with? Also, how do you deal with changes in each individual and keep the relationship together through those changes?

I'm not worried about he and I falling apart or anything, everything that could have caused that has already happened. I'm just concerned about how he will react as I become a healthier but different person, because of those healthy changes. I hope, and believe in my heart, that his reaction will be a positive and supportive one, but I have those insecurities and fears that are always getting in the way.

I'm sorry this blog got a little longer than I thought I would write. Hah, here I am staying up all night again. At least I'm doing something healthier and more productive.

A few last things, more for myself. Writing these things out helps me actually go through with them.

Tomorrow, I am going to have a very productive day.

First, I am going to get up, at eight, regardless of when I go to bed, and only worry about me, myself and I. I am going to spend the first hour and a half, give or take, relaxing, pampering, and caring for myself. I'm going to take a nice shower, eat a healthy and fulfilling breakfast, maybe read a little and ready myself for the day. And I'm going to call nice and early and make my appointment for my haircut. Then, I am going to go to my podiatrist, getting there with time to spare. and he is going to tell me great news. I might even be able to wear normal shoes again. And, I won't forget to ask him about shoe inserts for my brand new foot with a real arch in it, as opposed to my other foot, which is very, very flat. Then, I am going to drive all the way down to Kent, where I am going to photocopy all my readings for the next few weeks, and then pamper myself a little more, by getting my hair and eyebrows cleaned up. I'm going to love my new haircut and it's going to be cute and make me feel great about myself. Man, I love me! I really do freakin' rock! Then, I'm going to zip back home, make a healthy salad for lunch, and spend the rest of the day being super productive. I'm going to get everything done for Tuesday and a great start on Thursday's work. Finally, I'm not going to have to stay up all night, because I am going to have spent most of the day working my butt off. I'm going to go to bed around midnight, or maybe a little before, and I am going to get a great nights sleep!

I love you all, thank you for being here, thank you for accepting me for who I am and thank you for loving me and encouraging me to love myself!

Goodnight everyone!

[Sandra aka mytruestory85]

Hey Rachel,

Do you have a sort of calenter, you can go back to the Jan 15 and start writing from 1 to 100 each day this way it will help you keep on track and knowing which day you are now :)

I think everyone can allow him or herself a bit of procastination I've had that too last week. it was horrible lol. things will go better just take some time!

[Aspen]

The key is patience and understanding and LOTS of it! There have been and will be times when my husband and I can't think of anything to talk about, so he'll look up the latest news to see if there is anything interesting there to discuss. As far as disagreements, sometimes you have to just agree to disagree or perhaps try to come to some sort of compromise that satisfies you both on the issue. We are all always changing, it's part of life, so as long as both of you are aware of that and are willing to see each other through it, then you should be fine.

[Robin Amy Bass]

For me, what works is keeping things simple. Not complicating things. If it feels good, do it!