Season 1 Day 6

[Violet]

It feels like this challenge has been going right past me and then I realise I'm only on day 6!

I did my first mediation of the season today. I have meditated before but certainly not in a routine. I will defiantely start that routine today!
I started my meditation out of a restless feeling. I struggle with anxiety and usually it starts with feeling restless and discouraged. I sat down on my bed with my back against the wall and my legs crossed. I was home alone and everything was quiet. I concentrated on my breathing. The first thing I always do when I meditate is breathe. I close my eyes and imagine with every inhale my breathe is white 'smoke' (which represents positive energry) and my exhale is black smoke (which is of course negative energy). As i breathe in I picture the white smoke filling up the inside of my body and the black smoke leaving my body. I have to concentrate really hard on this because my mind can wander- which is one point of meditation, to focus. I don't start the rest of my meditation until the inside of my body is filled with 'white smoke' and I imagine my body is aglow. Then I focus on my center. I imagine a glowing or burning light which I see as my power color(I personally chose purple.) And I should mention that when I exhale the 'black smoke' I don't let it linger around me but imagine it disappearing completely on exhale as to keep it out of my atmosphere. Ok I am ready to move on. My mind is focused(maybe not completely but with more meditation I will surely obtain that) I wasn't sure what I want to meditate on so I started with picturing myself in two months, when I will have moved back to Texas and be reunited with my husband, feeling more settled and at home.
One of my life long goals is to make a career out of writing. I want to have it as my main income and be highly successful and even known. In my mind I saw myself writing and then I saw myself getting published and I repeated that in my head but as different times and different publications of different novels and contract offers. I was sooo over-joyed in my mediation, as if it were reality, that I started to cry tears of happiness! Feeling that joy and I haven't even accomplished this task yet made me realise that when I do I will be ecstatic!!! I feel so full of life just thinking about that future- my goal is to be that happy and I feel as if nothing will stop me.


Besides my meditation I have something that I must mention. My 'suffering' from anxiety is an issue. I can have full blown panic attacks, I can pass out from stress, if I feel restless I must nip it as soon as it starts. I feel as if I might have to work a little harder than normal to not let myself be negative. I was watching one of Lilou's videos about how to stay positive. It actually helped when I was confronted with a usual thought that causes a majority of my anxiety (currently) Instead of worrying about what about that issue was negative I started to think of every good thing about it. It helped quite a bit. :-) Thanks Lilou.
Another thing is that when I am in a positive mood and looking forward to the future feeling as if my dreams are obtainable causes a trigger for a panic attack. Panic attacks don't seem like a big deal and only weak people may have them but it's the worst feeling I've ever felt in my entire life and I wouldn't even wish that on anyone. But I suppose it's a trigger because of my fear of losing everything good, which my mind turns into some irrational reaction, such as a panic attack. I can control my panic attacks to an extent but sometimes they get too much. The only reason I am talking about it is that I was feeling positive while writing about my meditation experience that I started feeling that feeling. Well what I am saying is that I fight to stay positive and once I feel positive I have to fight panic attacks, which in turn makes me feel negative and all of that kind of makes me laugh.
Talking always helps. Thanks for 'listening'

I feel thankful for this community I may feel silly saying so many positive things about myself, but then I think of all of you and I know none of you would think down on me for doing so. Also, saying negative things here is silly. It's a start to training my brain to do an automatic positive reaction. In the world around us, when someone thinks highly of themselves it's assumed egotistical. Maybe it's how you represent your natural worth. Being kind and generous and knowing that you as well as everyone else deserves such things seems like a good mindset. What do you think?

[Elise]

I just opened a group for anxiety and panic sufferers

[Elise]

I too have suffered from panic attacks. You have to find the trigger and what you are fearful of. What has happened in your life that has made you frightened on an unconscious level. I can help you if you like.