my first day!

[Bronwen]

So, here goes my first day which will lead me on a journey until 22nd July!

At the moment I am very sad and confused due to a relationship breaking down. I am in a lot of pain and finding it difficult to make room for other feelings. I really want to move from this head space and by 22nd July I hope to be more in control of my feelings and to not have negative thoughts! I am a very positive person usually but this relationship with a very special person has kind of twisted my head because I am so disappointed that our love wasn't mutually nurtured and treasured.

Anyway! Today my day one I have taken positive steps towards happiness.

I had a lovely afternoon with my fabulous auntie and her husband who treated me to a delicious lunch - swedish meatballs, almond cake and pear cider! yum!

It was a nice surprise to meet with them as I had forgotten we had made a vague plan to meet today so getting a text from them this morning was a great start to the day :) I also had a nice late easter package with little chicks and chocolate eggs and £5 from my mother. That was lovely to receive.

I wrote a placemat list of things in my control and things not in my control.

I wanted to make a decision about a role I have volunteered for and that is doing emarketing for an unusual festival called www.outoftheordinaryfestival.com. When I had the chance to do some e-marketing for them I was so happy but the special person in my life did not approve and it really took my buzz away from wanting to do it.

The festival are having a meet up camp in May which is being held in Brighton, which is quite far away from where I live in Cardiff. When I was having lunch with my auntie she invited me to a different party in the same area that weekend, I declined the invitation but asked if I could have a lift to Brighton and she said that would be fine!

I had kind of decided not to volunteer for the festival but now this lift has manifested I am not so sure! I missed an online meeting tonight with the group as I am unsure about it all. I think I just need to step down from leading a team as they are having meetings in Brighton which is too far away for me to travel too regularly so I feel I can't lead a team when they are all together there and I am not. INstead I am going to see if I can do a more background role so I can still be involved but I won't need to lead a group - I feel my heart is not quite in it enough... :/

My morning list also included exercise so when my auntie dropped me off I got my bike and went for a lovely bike ride. I was surrounded by a lot of water and it was very calming. I watched a school of little red tailed fish flickering under rippling water, the birds were singing, it was very peaceful.

On my list was also 'make my home more comfortable' so I bought a plant for myself (and one for the special person) and a rug and some red candles.

I bought the special person a plant as one of the metaphors I used to describe what has happened to our relationship was that it was like letting a plant die. When I left him yesterday after he decided he must end it with me (as he is not happy and it is making me unhappy and in turn making him more unhappy), we hugged and he said the last thing he saw was a dead plant in his hallway. I hope this new sturdy little plant, when I give it to him, will make him think more positively, and perhaps more positively about himself and our relationship?

I don't know... I need to stop thinking about him but I believe we are meant to be together and it is so painful that this feeling might not be mutual!

We keep speaking on msn so it is difficult to let go completely. All I want to do is be around him.

The universe brought some good things today - 24 people so far have agreed to come to my album launch party on 7th May and 80 people are yet to rsvp so it's looking good! A DJ on Radio Wales has invited me to do a 7 minute mini documentary to promote the release of my album. I am also trying to hook my record label up with some people in London who are making a film so I made contact with them today.

I vowed today to take 100% responsibility not to contact the special person but I have failed on that front as have chatted online. I am logged out now but I am tempted to try and speak to him online but I know it is best if I leave him alone. If I log into facebook or msn we will chat so I am trying not to do this... we'll see how that pans out.

Last night I was up until 3am chatting to a very funny and intelligent, creative and interesting person and I am happy to have made a new connection in my life.

I feel a bit bad about missing m online group meeting as they will all be wondering where I am but the fact is I hadn't done enough work, I don't think my heart is in out now as I have been put off by someone elses opinion :( which in black and white is right I suppose.

Okay really long blog - they probaby won't be this long every day! Just my first time! A lot to say! Just to finish off 'Gratitude' was another daily thing I said I would do - and I think that is why this blog is so long- Such a lot to be grateful for!

Catch you tomorrow.

xxxx