Goal 3 not working

[simsim]

We have had a turbulent marriage.Got married,his parents did not like me at all because they thought I was not good enough for their son and them.So ,they said no.They gave various instances of my behaviour towards them to say I was not basically a nice person-to be honest and I have no choice to be honest now-whatever they said was an excuse to cover up what they really really felt about me.They did not think I was " good looking " enough ,that I was too overweight and they would be ashamed to call me their daugther in law.My husband,had no problems with my weight.At all.Or so I like to think,but we'll come to that later.So,he tried convincing them,this carried on for a year.My parents were completely alright with the marriage.He askedme to wait till he convinced them.I waited for a year and I was not the perfect waiting girlfriend,I was absolutely pissed off about what they had said about me and how they had blatantly refused to accept me,so we did have fights.Anyways,afte 1 year I put my foot down and said if he wanted to marry me he would have to do it now otherwise I can't wait anymore.That's when he agreed and we got married.Till date I think if I had not pressed them,he would have been happy not marrying me,and would have only married when and if his parents had agreed.I know i should have thought about all this BEFORE i got married.Yeh I was stupid.I was not thinking clearly and there is a history behind all that now as well-god do I need a proper shrink?!
Anyways,so I feel my husband resents me because I took him away from his parents.He resents me for showing a side to them he chose to deny or never believed existed.He resents me and that's why he has no patience with me.He knows I cannot leave him and go( where would I go?!) .For every so called " normal " fight we have,he loses patience and puts his hand on me and abuses me.I used to rile him up in the past ,drive him to frustration but now I have improved,but he just gets driven to frustration very very fast,like from 1 to 100 and just either abuses me or hits me.
I don't think he respects me,and I don't think he is the person I can ever look upto for support.IF I tell him that his parents(yeh they keep in touch very very frequently now-after we got married they made it seem like they accepted me-but they are horribly mean to me -but not in front of him) so when I tell him about how bad they are to me,he says I was bad to him as well so I he won't do anything.Just like he does not divorce me when I seemingly " frustrate" him he will not say anything to them or stand up for me when they are mean to me.So now the situation is this:
Anytime I say anything that frustrates him he hits me and/or abuses me.
I feel there is a cloud over us all the time,we are just avoiding saying the wrong things so that we dont fight,and in the process are losing our closeness together.
I cannot trust him.I do not trust that he will stand up for me .I do not trust that he will stand by my side.I do not trust that he understands the pain I have gone through.
I am not happy or secure in this marriage.No, I dont think he will cheat on me but I do think that I am all alone in everyting i do.
Our emotional bond is gone.I dont feel like his wife,just someone he has to live with because he made that one wrong decision to marry me.

And yes the D word has been often mentioned most of the times by me.But I dont have the strength to take it forward.If I could,I would.I know it.But I can't go back to my parents house,I can't live in a different house in this same city.I work right now,but I dont want to leave this house and go,I have spent money on this as well.I dont want to be the one to leave.I want to get a good job in another city or even country,and then leave in a systematic manner. Not on am impulse and then try to work out my life from scratch.That will be silly.Or maybe I am just saying all of the above because I really dont want to leave.I really want to stay and live out my life with him.Even though he insults me and humiliates me.

But during arguments ,I just feel like running away and leaving the house,and i tell him I am leaving but I come right back.THat has I think made him laugh at me,thinking she will never leave.Like this morning,I did tell him that I am oging to be leaving and he wont find me when he comes back but I will be here when he does,and again,it will re-affirm his belief and make him lose respect for me even more.So,I am stuck in a place where I have no love,no understanding and no respect.Not for a moment did I think my life will turn out to be this way.

WHat do I want? I want my husband who will appreciate all the things I do for him.I want my husband to realize and understand the pain I feel.I want him to tell me he understands it and he will be on my side forever.And I want my husband to think I am a good person ,to make me feel I am special.Not tell me that me asking for flowers is silly.
I want this cloud to life from our heads,and I want us to become closer.I dont want to leave him because I love him.

What do I do.Will the secret work.

[Rachel]

Any person who abuses another person, physically, sexually, emotionally, verbally or otherwise DOES NOT respect them!! No if's and's or but's. My heart is with you. Just stay here on CCOR because there are so many loving people who will help you and support you. I am so glad you found this group! I am praying for you and keeping you in my thoughts! You are beautiful and amazing! Don't ever doubt that!