Blog #1 Oct 13, 2008-An end to a great relationship, and beginning of a great friendship

[Darrah]

Hey guys, its been awhile since I've done a VLOG, and figure it may be a bit until I do another one, so thought I would stay connected via blog as well. These last couple of weeks have been really hard. I admit, I have had a pretty hard time focusing on what I want. To be more clear, my love Jace and I broke up after an 11 month relationship =(. It's really weird, everything was great, we never argued, we were always so connected spiritually, physically, and mostly emotionally, our relationship was thriving...but there was just something that didn't feel right to me. As much as I wanted Jace to be "the one", and as much as I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, intuitively...I didnt feel like we were meant to be together. I wish I had more control over my feelings in regards to our relationship, but I just couldn't go on knowing that it wasn't meant to be. It has been so hard and heartbreaking, we are currently living together and even still sharing the same bed (due to certain circumstances). It's hard to break the habit of something so special that lasted almost a year. I am very confident though, that we are starting a very real and beautiful friendship that will last a lifetime (and beyond).

I haven't been in the best of moods lately, so of course, I have been focusing on less of the things I want, and not focusing on appreciating what I have and what I am. That is my goal this week, to start focusing again on gratitude. It's always been pretty easy for me throughout the last few years, to focus on being thankful and grateful for what I have. I have been reading spiritual books for some time now, and it has absolutely changed my life, and my view of it. One of my favorite quotes is "change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change"; it is so true. I have created an awesome life for myself, I live in a great apartment with my sister Laci and friend Jace. Laci adopted a beautiful puppy (part chihuahua/part weener dog) that has lit up all of our lives. I have a great job making good money, and I'm doing something I really enjoy. I have met some great people, and even been able to help some people along the way. However, one thing I've noticed that I have been lacking in the last few years is...being grateful for ME.

I have struggled with self-esteem and self-love issues since my childhood (due to some traumatic childhood experiences), and still find a bit of that lingering now in my life. I have overcome MANY obstacles, and now I'm able to clearly see that I really don't appreciate myself enough. After all, it is I who has started my spiritual journey, it is I who has healed my broken spirit, it is I who have learned to be who I really am...now it is up to me to take that a step further and learn to love myself unconditionally. It seems like an easy task, and it is, but not until now. I don't think I was ready to take that step until now. One of the things I really want to work on more is letting go of control. I want to have more faith in myself and how the universe works, and learn to draw things to me without worrying about the why and the how and the when. I also want to concentrate on being more of "I am", and less of my Ego.

I am starting to see more now, when my ego steps in. I know that whenever I feel I want "more" and feel discontent with a current situation, that is my ego...not who I really am. I know that when I start feeling like I want to change someone else, that is my ego. I (my spirit) does not care what someone does or says, I know that they are absolutely perfect just the way God (the universe) created them. Even during those times when it seems someone is deliberately trying to hurt me or annoy me, I know that is my ego wanting to bite back, not who I reallly am. I am focusing now more on seeing the beauty in everyone and everything, and realizing when my ego is trying to jump in and make itself known. When it happens, I am recognizing that it is my ego, I acknowledge it, let it pass, and allow my spirit to come forth again. I love me, and you, for we are all the same in my eyes and spirit.

PS I hope this isnt too long, and it's funny how when I start writing (or typing), I speak in a different way. If you were to see me in a social setting, you would never guess that these words would come out of my mouth. I think it does have a lot to do with my confidence too. In the past, I have been one to adapt to other people's personalities...but now, I want people to really get to see me for me.

Rock on with your 100 day challenge, until next time...