This can't be all

[Xenia]

I'm sitting here in my apartment, writing. I should be working instead. I was on my way to the hospital today when I noticed I'm way too late. It's my first day (well, my 2nd, but the first day don't really count) and I didn't want to be late. Though this internship is the 2nd on that ward, which means I know everyone, I felt embarassed being late. So I felt anxious and I decided to call and tell them I'm sick. Actually I only called my school and they informed the ward. I felt so bad in the begining since I totally didn't want to miss a day in that short internship, neither on my 2nd day there. But the interesting thing is, I felt such a relief after I had called. It's like a big burden had been taken from me. And here's the point. I woke up this morning at 5 am and I started thinking negative thoughts about this future job of mine, as a pediatric nurse. I have one month to go then I'm a RN. That scares me. I don't really like this job. Starting with getting up really early, working 12,5 hours shifts (ok, I have off more days then), working nightshifts, weekends and holidays (omg, writing this is making me feel anxious again), always facing people's problems, seeing and doing gross things, being arround sick kids almost all the time, ...
So, why have I picked this job (aren't you thinking the same question *lol*)? 3 years ago I didn't know what to do after high school. After one successless year of studying medicine I thought why not try nursing. So here I am. At the end of my program totally resisting working there. And it's not the first time I'm having these thoughts about this job. I don't know what to do. I know (I guess I do) I do not want to work in this job. But I'm 23 now, if I start a new education I'll be 100 when I finally finish. Also I want to earn money, finally. But I don't even know what kind of job I would like. So I've thought of pausing a year (if I can) and then trying some jobs out if possible. It's just really stupid to do that a month before graduation. But if I didn't do it now I couldn't do it for the next 3 years because I have to sign a working comitment for 3 years or pay back the money for each year of education.
I just want to leave everything behind me and start all over again. But I don't want to disapoint my family - mostly my mother,a nurse herself.
The title of my post ist "this can't be all" - this is because I can't believe that's all I can do right now. I don't want to be in a job I don't like. I believe people must like their jobs. I don't want to waste my life 12,5 hours/3-4 days a week on diseases. That's depressing. Oh no, this big resistence is growing right now. I don't want to go back, I don't want to. And I don't even know how LOA could help me right now.

[Xenia]

you know, the reason why I think it's too late is because everywhere one hears that companies only want young workers, the younger the better. I don't know if that's different in other countries (like US) but here in Austria that's the way it goes.

[lorijovest]

Hello Xenia ~ What if you looked at the nursing job as a means to an end? A way to provide for yourself while you figure out what you REALLY want and then draw it toward you? At 46, I find it so interesting that you feel that 23 is too late to start a new education program. I'm twice your age and if I wanted a new career that required a new degree, I'd get one!!! Hehe. Sounds like you need a new focus. I'd try this one on..."I go to the hospital and I am a light of positive energy for people who are suffering from illness. I am fortunate to have a job that gives me 3 to 4 days off a week that I can use to pursue my true dreams." Does that make sense? Changing your focus to a positive one about your current situation is an absolute necessity if you want to draw new positive things toward you. Start today! Start now! Hugs to you as you open yourself to new possibilities for the now and the future!!! Lori