Day 2 - 15th April an unexpected turn

[Bronwen]

Ok so after my great day 1 it was late in the night and I got into a conversation online with the special person who has caused me great heartache by choosing to be single.

After a difficult conversation my feelings were so overwhelming I began contemplating suicide. This has been a tendency of mine for many years initiated by a bad childhood experience which subsequently led to years of low self esteem and occasional drug abuse.

I realised that feeling this way was not an option for me anymore. The next morning I went to A&E and expressed my fears of self harm and my thoughts of taking my own life. I was referred to a crisis team who listened to my family history and the problems I had experienced in my life. They gave me some very low doses of medication to go home with. When I got home my two good friends arrived as the special person had alerted my sister in London about my state of mind and she had contacted the best two people who lived nearby to come and see if i was ok. These friends are such a blessing. We spent time chatting about the situation, drank tea and laughed a lot. They left when two of the crisis team came to chat with me.

A doctor came this morning who has referred me to a special unit where I will be assessed. Last year I gave all my light and energy into developing the arts in a deprived community but I was working beneath a horrible man who was unjust and unfair and did not respect my role. This has left me with confused feelings about work and has put me off doing a similar role which is sad as I have a lot to offer. I spoke to the doctor about this and I will be speaking to an occupational therapist tomorrow who will be looking at these issues with me.

I had no idea Day 2 would be so dramatic. I realised today that I had subconsciously applied techniques to my day as promised - I took responsbility for myself by recognising feeling suicidal is not acceptable and I sought help, went to A&E and from there i was in the hands of the universe. I could have been hospitalised for 2 weeks to begin with however I was lucky to have had access to a special team who work with people in their own homes. I am grateful for their care I received and grateful for the support of my friends.

My main aim of the 100 day challenge is to achieve happiness and I cannot believe that so early on, Day 2, I have taken steps to address the deep rooted problems embedded in my core. If this are not resolved then I will never achieve my goal by 22nd July! I didn't even plan to take this course of action but I am realising it is essential to my progress in this challenge.

The special person is also being very supportive and positive about what I did today. It has taken the pressure of him as he was bearing the brunt of my troubled emotions and this was part of the reason the relationship broke down.

For 15 years I have been struggling with low self esteem and depression and I have actually for the first time opened up about it to people who are trained to help in these situations. An incredible step forward really.

As far as my decision goes for working for the festival I have spoken to one of the team I am leading today and explained that I am having some difficulties at the moment. She was very kind and said I had been doing a great job so far, which has given me the confidence to continue with the project. Although I am going to speak to the director and let him know that I would like a more relaxed role.

I am day 3 today I probably won't blog about this day but I will just say I am about to have a bubble bath and then go and get ingredients for a lovely vegetable lasagne as I have a good friend coming to dinner tonight. She does not know about my crisis yesterday and I am looking forward to just having an easy going chat about other things as a bit of escapism from this quite heavy emotional situation.

Lots of love

Bronwen xx

[Bronwen]

Flo I am moved to tears by your comment. Special thanks to you for sharing this.

Often when people experience these feelings we do not think of it as mental illness. I always thought of mental illness as people rocking back and forth or being psychotic and doing bizarre things but really it can be as simple as having past issues that still plague your life. I think sometimes opening up to families and friends is not enough as I have done this for years but it didn't resolve any issues. My family and friends knew I was troubled but never knew the extent of my feelings and the reality of the dangers associated with these feelings. Love from them was not enough to quash these feelings, when you are low it is difficult to accept love. I feel very lucky to have access to the internet, good self awareness and good research skills to suss out what I needed to do. I think in the future I would like to help promote services available to people in need.

I have had friends who have had suicidal feelings and I have always been for them and helped them but never to the point of physically taking them to get professional help. My special person was aware of my feelings and was worried sick but he did not think of taking me to A&E. This experience has taught me that this is what needs to be done and I hope I can help others be aware of this because it is not something that is promoted well enough. I know the national health service in the UK is free and in other countries help may not be as easily accessible...

I know if I had gone through with taking my life the worst thing would be for my loved ones to feel in pain and guilty and sad. People take their own lives to end pain and for this to result in more pain is so ironic. People in a lot of emotional pain are numb to how much pain their departure will cause their loved ones. I am sure nobody would ever do it if they were aware, because people this low know pain so much that they would never wish to inflict it on the people close to them. My heart is aching for you Flo and for what happened to your ex partner and also for myself and for what I almost did to my friends and family.

Thank you so much for your words to me of support and encouragement. I hope you manage to heal from this experience and it incredibly insightful that you understand the reasons behind the tragedy.

Warm wishes to you. xxxxx

[AndreasE]

hi glad you feel you are responsible for your life :), have you heard of EFT, ??? hope you try it as its very helpful to realise a lot of emotional tension. as ans example go to this link and i hope youlike it, wishing the best Andreas

Download this video and follow it if you like
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoSzivsQkVI&feature=PlayList&p=7D3DB3ACEAAE9C42&index=0&playnext=1