day 3, season 1: dealing with ANGER!

[Lily]

a situation happened the day before i started season one that made me so angry that my feelings bled over into the following day. imagine starting day one of season one hopping MAD. nice vibrational alignment...not!

i think my excitement about starting my first season carried me through the day. i forced myself to think about other things. i was also really busy running errands. i struggled, i stumbled, but i kept my mouth shut (here anyway). essentially, i bottled it up. lord knows i didn't want to blog about angry feelings the very first day!!!

by sunday however, my feelings (of course led by my thoughts...yup, i'm gonna own that) had REALLY reared their ugly head. i did what i know to do: i meditated. eh. i tried a "rampage of appreciation". no go. i tried "pivoting". whatever. i was like a dog with a bone. try as i might, i literally couldn't let go. as a last ditch effort, i tried exercise....but in truth, my motivation at that point was having a good weigh-in at my weight watchers meeting later in the day. i hit the treadmill. i was still mad for the first 20 minutes and then i got in "the zone".....i ran for 30 minutes - straight. this isn't something i usually do. i typically do run/walk intervals - running for 3-4 minutes at most.

something broke. not physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. probably endorphins hahaha !? i realized that i am what i am. i'm also where i am. and most times you can't get from point A to point B without traveling there. the resistance i felt and was creating by beating myself up about being so angry ("lily, YOU KNOW better...you KNOW the cost in terms of LOA...you KNOW you are only attracting more angry feelings" and here's the worst part "you KNOW you created and attracted the very situation that you are allowing yourself to become so angry about yadda...yadda...yadda...") was doing nothing to make my journey from point A to point B any easier.

i finally gave up. so i'm angry. fabulous. better than being depressed. anger energizies. heck, i'd just run 3 miles.

the minute i started to accept myself AS IS...i started to release the anger at myself (essentially for not being a perfect little LOA machine). i gained perspective. things started to shift. sure i had angry thoughts crop up again. this time i didn't try to hold them in. i let 'em out. now....i didn't indulge in them, but i let myself "complete the thought" as it were before gently moving on. i even laughed about some of my wacky thoughts.

i realized that i'm a lot nicer to myself when i'm sad or scared. i'm more gentle in trying to get myself back in alignment. i baby myself. i coax and massage myself back into alignment. i learned a lesson about anger. i judged it too harshly. it's not a crime. it's simply a feeling. it's a guide. and maybe something to be (gulp!) allowed....for a short while...something to be accepted and moved through rather than squelched and blocked and denied.

btw, i had a great weigh-in. i'm down 15.6 lbs. THAT made me happy :-)

[Lily]

i love, love, LOVE that story yenna. and so needed to hear that. i'd actually love to learn more about jerry. i'm going to look for "the secret behind the secret".

[Yenna]

That is so true and one of the hardest lessons to learn! I so desperately want so many things and they seem to be "piling up"! And I try so hard to allow them all in and they seem to be nowhere in sight! And yet, like you said, when I give up manifesting, trying, there they are.

I was watching The Secret Behind The Secret- a private interview with Jerry and Esther Hicks, and Abraham, and there were conversational clips in the extras. Jerry told a really interesting story of the darkest time of his life. He recounted a time when he was working as a comedian in Spokane, Washington, and was down to his last dollar, was alone, had called his family and had been outcast by them and after he hung up the phone, said to God "I give up." At that moment he truly meant that he quit and that he was no longer going to try because there was no point. Immediate upon saying that he was filled with the most overwhelming, crazy beautiful sensation he has ever experienced in his life. It started at his toes, a bubbling, tingling sensation, and worked its way up to his head and seemed to extend beyond his physical body. Subsequently Abraham has since told him that what he was experiencing was pure, positive energy that was able to come through because in "giving up" he had released all resistance. And yet we strive so hard to never get to the place where we give up. I found his story really inspiring and I wanted to share. And thank you for letting me know about your response. I hadn't bother to hit "follow- e-mail me when people rely" at the bottom of the page, but I will do that from now on when I post one someone's blog!

[Lily]

yenna,

thanks so much for your help with this. i'm working through the 22 proven processes in "ask and it is given" and i just realized that "moving up the vibrational scale" is actually a specific process. you'd told me about it when i first wrote to you about my anger. your advice and insight was incredibly helpful. it was heartening to read in "ask and it is given" that sometimes it takes a day (or more) to move up even one level. yet however long it takes, the time is always MUCH shorter when we make any effort to identify and reach for better feeling thoughts than if we did nothing.

congratulations on your weight loss!!!! and i love how you got into alignment when you "took your eyes" off your desire. it's that way so often with me. -- which is why my goals for this challenge have been mostly about NOT working so hard to manifest things.

[Yenna]

Hi Lily,

I came onto your page and read this blog- wow, I could really relate! I also know how difficult it is when I am stuck in a maelstrom of negative emotions and they are made so much worse because I am also stressed about the LOA consequences of my feelings. And, like you, I've told myself "I KNOW all this ... what the heck am I doing????? Why can't I get out of this? What's wrong with me?" I even came so close as to walk away from LOA forever- not becuase I didn't believe in it, but because I felt like I could never be positive again, so why try? Now, fo course, I can't imagine even feeling that way, but at the time if was very, very real! It really helped me to read that you are gentle on yourself when you are sad, but hard on yourself when you are angry. It made me realize just how our society views anger as a worse emotion than depression, despite the fact that depression is an even more disempowered state to be in. After all, if someone is depressed, the only one they are affecting is themselves. If people are angry, there's no telling where their anger will take them! Ideally? Onward and upward to revenge, frustration and then irritation to a positive frame of mind! But you're right; we need to allow ourselves to be angry first.

Btw, congrats on your weight loss!!! I am also doing really well in this area. I have struggled for years to get into alignment with even the idea of changing my eating and living habits, despite an almost desperate desire to be healthier and slimmer ... and now, for some reason, it is happening despite the fact that it isn't even a current intention on this 100 day challenge! Go figure. But I am loving it.