Chapter 9: Improving your capacity to love

[Elaine]

The first exercise is where we write something about what kind of emotional baggage we are carrying around preventing us from having a healthy relationship.

This being a forum about the LOA, I don't want to delve very deeply into the kind of emotional scars i might be carrying, nor do I encourage others to go too far into it. I will say that evidenced by the kind of men I am attracted to, something is still off.

I am crazy about the guy I am seeing right now but I had no idea how similar he is in habits, behaviors, and attitudes to my exbf of five years. This is a problem because these are things that are just about diametrically opposed to the habits, behaviors, and attitudes that I am trying to cultivate... why do I keep choosing this? What is the lesson I am supposed to learn here?

And why, if desires are good and lead us where we want to go, as Buddhism and Abraham and others say, why do I desire these kind of men?

[Elaine]

The next exercise is to write what you can do to make yourself more emotionally healthy.

The suggestions in the book are:

Seek counseling, Enjoy your family and friends, read self-help books, go on retreats, get back in touch with your spiritual or religious background, pursue a hobby or a new career. Work on yourself.



These are all great suggestions. I am currently making an effort to practice my faith on a daily basis, I am starting a new career and building financial security for myself, I am making new friendships, I am becoming a much kinder person,
I am working out regularly, I am taking good care of my skin hair and body.

Also, I have a sense that the same issues present themselves to me again because I really didn't handle it correctly in the past. For example I used to engage in crazy power games with my ex- who knows why I wanted to get him but I did so I used the "random reinforcement" method, sometimes not answering his calls for days or even weeks, going out and partying like crazy dressed to attract attention from men...basically what he did to me I did to him. The relationship got off to a really bad start- he was inconsiderate and oblivious of the pain he was causing me and I was calculating and deliberate in the retaliations. Needless to say, there was a lot of drama.

So now I have an opportunity to be totally different. I am protected from harm by the very nature of my intentions. I intend to bring light into other peoples lives, if I am attracted to a man I intend to treat him with the utmost respect and kindness consistently. I will bow out gracefully from situations that are not for me. I will always be peaceful and compassionate. But I will protect myself.

The man I will have will recognize the great being that I am. He will be inspired to rise to the occasion of being with me. If he has issues or problems in his life they will be transformed and he will recognize me as being a catalyst for all kinds of good change in his life and our life. He will love and respect me. He will appreciate that love is given freely between us and will devote lots of energy to his goals in life because he knows that he has invested his heart in the best love around. He will be crazy in love with me.

[Elaine]

I was thinking another thing this morning... that being emotionally health is really a sign of being mentally focused. Obviously when our minds are steadfastly focused on our purpose we will be more emotionally stable.

[Angana]

Hi Elaine. Recently I went through something like this, for me, it was a fear that I've been trying to acknowledge, but really danced around for almost 40 years now. My father is a HORRIBLE husband. My nightmare to marry, and I believe the fear of marrying him has kept me single all these years.

In short, of course it's likely more complicated than that.

[Elaine]

I don't know if is more complicated than that, to be honest. I just try to figure out what to do about it.

What I have done now is to break it off with the guy I am seeing. I did it by text which is not the best but I said nothing mean, just that I am moving on. This is tough because I am very attracted to him and I see the good side of him which is huge, but the truth is that he knows who I am an what I am about. He knows that he is on a totally different page than me about life. If he ever wants to come around and the timing is right again, then we can talk.

I feel good about doing this and I remembered to pray for his happiness this morning and I will continue to do so for a little while, especially until my feelings pass.

[Michelle L. C.]

I feel the same way Elaine.

I have attracted a man into my life who I am extremely attracted to, we have great chemistry... yadda yadda yadda. He came way out of left field! The thing is.. out of no where, and I know it is not my fault.. he got spooked and just wanted to go back to our regular facebook e-mail chats which are very very deep and vulnerable. I have a feeling that something else is at work. I am going to do some EFT tapping to remove the emotional charge of being cheated on and experiencing unfaithfulness. What's even more funny is that I had said to myself and others that until I could really be comfortable with my body and feel stable then I wouldn't date anyone. I wonder if this is it?

I think we have to forigve those who have hurt us because resentment blocks our energy channels for which we can truly emit all of our love from.

Forgive your ex boyfriend Elaine for whatever it is he hurt you, whatever fears you have in regards to how this new man will act (if it is similar or different). I think acceptance is key. If we can relinquish our expectations, practice forgiveness, and open our hearts then things must flow perfectly. We must constantly smile. Any time doubt creeps into your mind let it slip by... and say to yourself you know you are receiving your perfect relationship right now! It will make you feel instantly better. Your intuition will guide you. It is such a valuable tool! Trust it. When you act from your heart/intuition, beautiful things happen.

[Elaine]

Oh, I am sorry for what you have been through, Michelle Laureen. It is rough when men do goofy stuff like that. You are right to think something is off but you probably dodged a bullet, so be grateful.

Thank you Michelle Laureen. There is a lot of wisdom in what you wrote.

I can see that what crept up in this last mini-relationship was that I actually dated a man who I knew from back in the days when I was together with my ex. He was from the same crowd and shared a lot of the same mentality and bad habits as my ex bf. I was just simply foolish to imagine that this guy would be any different. I don't want to complain about him because I was attracted to his looks and his body and found a few nice things about him but the truth was that he does some really terrible things and seems to have no regrets about them. The man does illegal and immoral things- and he doesn't even recycle, for goodness sake. No.... just no. There is nothing I could have in common with him unless he came around to my way of thinking, which he didn't.

I didn't know all these things about him until I got to know him better but based on what I did know, I should have known that it wouldn't work out. For goodness sake, I haven't worked this hard on myself to end up in a relationship with a criminal. So yes, based on what I just wrote I think I do have some forgiving to do.

Gotta run. More later.

[Michelle L. C.]

Well.... it is my opinion that the relationships we have with every single person in our lives at the moment are there for a reason, we have attracted that aspect of the relationship to us because it teaches us something. We might not know right away but we can learn from both the ups and downs. I dont think we should necessarily look at them as "bad or good times" because that is placing judgment, and to be free of all burdens and achieve a higher consciousness we must practice non-judgement. I think you have demonstrated that faily well Elaine by realizing you cannot change/fix him and that he has to make those changes himself. I am so proud of you for doing that. And also wishing for his happiness!! I have been trying to get my girlfriends to do things like that but they don't!! They don't understand how powerful it is! How incredible a release it is.
I have done that with the current man I have fallen for out of the blue... and it is amazing what is happening. I told him that I forgive him for breaking off our plans and postponing indefinitely. I like our conversations. As of right now (it is 1:00 am where I live) we have been texting each other since 3 pm!! I am so grateful... I have been repeating this all week "God bless Nate whereever he is" and great conversation/texts... whatever is happening. I am so thankful for what I have at this moment.

I think when we can set ourselves free from the burdens of guilt, resentment, fear, etc.... that is when our hearts really open up. And i think yours is really opening up right now Elaine. Wonderful things (especially men) will come...and maybe the guy you least expect too!! This is exciting.

[Elaine]

Yes, Michelle Lauren. I think you and I are really on the same page about this. I really do believe that everyone deserves the highest level of compassion and respect. I know also that based on the material you study (i.e., the link to the e-book you posted somewhere on this group) that your philosophy is very much the same. This is the way to go in life, It is simply impossible to lose like that.

Thank you for all the support and good wishes. I have the same hopes and expectations for you too. I am looking forward to watching your story unfold as well.

[Elaine]

Something else I am doing is taking a class on Flirting. I hope that this will help me focus more on enjoying the pleasure of interacting with men and getting good at it.

I had no idea there was so much to this. Wow, with this knowledge I am going to have some serious fun.

[CreativeConqueror]

I find myself needing to really ask myself these questions for real, and not just read them but not answer as I did before. I need to really think about some of the feelings I've pushed to the side, in order to really put them away this time.

No, I don't see a pattern of floating from one relationship to another. I enjoy spending time with me in between relationships. Someone who does not meet my emotional needs or is never around really does not last that long with me.

However, Yes, I do mistrust the opposite sex because of somethng in my childhood. As a child, I felt abandoned by my father and then as a teen abandoned by my stepfather. So, it suffices to say that I am fighing the core belief that men leave. In the past, this belief has caused me to either run before I get too close or sabotage before I am in too deep. This time around, I have my therapist to help, and a strong desire to do things differently.

I don't look for past loves or neglect my friends and family, and I no longer lie about my true expectations. Earlier after the breakup, I probably would have, but I recognize now that this behavior doesn't serve me well.

Although I am not in love with love, I am a fan. I love the feeling of being in love. But I am not going ot force it just to feel it. Its a slow progression. Not like falling, but like being carried away by a warm wave.

My answer is also no to all of the rest of the questions. I must admit revisiting the book is helpful no matter where you are, dating, taking time for yourself, or whatever the case.